Meandering Observations from Rome

Written in June while living at Vicolo Della Campanella

I didn’t expect to experience such a whiplash of emotions about style when I arrived in Rome. I decided to just be an observer for a while, and not even attempt to form opinions or hot takes. Hate those anyway. However, the hot takes kept coming. I felt full of annoyance at certain popular aesthetic trends, and at the current form of American minimalist aesthetic. When the hot takes keep popping into my mind, I know it’s not quite time to write.

If you’re wondering, no, I don’t normally galavant off to Europe! It had been 10 years since our one year stint abroad in Germany, and I hadn’t set foot on European soil since. I tagged along this year on a research trip my husband had lined up, and we decided to call it our 15th anniversary getaway. And so even though he had to work a lot, it was great, and so fun. This trip was a big emotional leap for me. Leaving our kids for 10 days, tackling anxiety about travel, and being in a country where I only knew a few words of the language were stretching to say the least, but as always, I’m reminded that doing hard things usually produces a lot of growth and expansiveness in me, and I need to remember to do hard things on purpose more frequently. Rome was so memorable and I grew to love so much about Italian culture and hospitality, our charming attic apartment filled with original Edith Schloss art, the espressos (I truly didn’t know how much I love espresso), the perfect understated restaurant, Gino e Pietro, that we loved, and the people watching of course.

When I pulled away the cobwebs of hot takes and annoyance about American style and the trends that won’t quit, what struck me in a big positive way?

Women on motorbikes.

Every single one of them has amazing style. No matter the age, it was 10/10 every time. It was so striking, I started to wonder if it was observation bias. Did I perceive these women to be more stylish simply because they looked so cool and confident zipping through traffic, unfettered by unnecessary clutter? Was it simply something about a woman making things happen that exuded the kind of confidence that allows you to wear absolutely anything and look like a style authority?

It strikes me often that this is how the taste makers do it. Achieving that balance of artistic insight with a willingness to risk is where the magic of good dressing happens.

It also made me think about context. If you’re on a motorbike, what you’re wearing has to work for the practicality of the activity, and yet, it’s an opportunity for juxtaposition. Surprisingly, you can still wear a dress and heels while driving a vespa. But you probably won’t wear a bag that doesn’t have a good strap or secure fastening. A backpack is also a good idea. I did see one woman wearing sandals without a heel strap, and that immediately felt precarious. That felt like a trespass of the context dressing rules, but then again maybe these women are just truly free haha.

But confidence is contagious and it’s hard to separate the style of this type of woman with her energy. So I don’t think I will.

Takeaway number one: grow in your confidence and your style will grow, too.

Ahh confidence. Such an illusive concept for me personally. I am an intense observer, and as striking as great style is, equally striking is the way I felt jolted and jarred every time I saw the visible shape wear trend in Rome. If you don’t know what I mean, that’s okay, it’s so everywhere in the U.S. I didn’t even think of it as a trend until I stumbled upon this article by Becky Malinsky about its emergence. I wore a tank top one day that felt like shape wear on me, and although I liked something about it (simple, black, classic tank shape) I also kept feeling so incredibly uncomfortable. But what was it? I knew it was the tank top, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why.

Americans have a long history of shape wear, and get their feathers easily ruffled by visible lumps, bumps and curves. We don’t like to see nips and we don’t like to see cellulite, so we’re very accustomed to wearing smoothing undergarments and contoured bras. It feels refreshingly obvious that most Europeans still don’t care about this. Underwear lines are a dime a dozen, and the bras that are worn are simple and might be seen or might not be seen, but most certainly aren’t lifting and shaping in the ways American lingerie is lifting and shaping.

With a decade between my trips to Europe, I had forgotten the immediate sense of relief that washes over me when I realize I don’t have to worry about the shape of my body, or if everything is tucked in just right. It’s like, how did I not realize I’d been sucking it in for 10 years? And it’s not like a “I can let myself go” feeling, because European women really are so purposeful in their dressing, but more of a “bodies really are good so why squeeze and contort them into a different shape” kind of feeling. I feel that in the U.S. we are always swinging on a pendulum. There is this feeling that clothing should either obscure bodies or strongly reveal bodies. Somehow our ideal, at least in my personal experience, is that a body should be covered, but still show a barbie shape underneath. A gross combination of an idealized sexual form with a puritan-like facade of chastity. Cover up, but make sure they still know you look good and lifted and smooth underneath.

Essentially, the message is that you should either wear your shape wear underneath your clothes or wear your shape wear as your clothes, but God forbid you forget your shape wear.

What am I craving instead? Clothing that sits close, but not too close. Tailored shapes, and fabric composition that has a personality. There was a refreshing amount of clothing that simply fit, ya know? Like as if the age old wisdom of where a shoulder seam should sit was still alive and well in Italy. I think as we’ve lost tailoring and customization and quality, we’ve lost an understanding and appreciation of fit. Things are either really oversized or really tight, because it takes precision, time and actual effort on the part of the clothing designers and manufacturers, and fast fashion simply doesn’t have time or interest in this. But our trip to Rome has left me craving that in-between. I think it’s that sneaky but right in front of your eyes element that hits just right, and I kept seeing it on the streets of Rome, especially in the style of the 30s and up crowd. It’s the confidence of wearing clothes that simply fit, void of that kind of statement making intention of exaggerated proportions, and I hope, an indicator of that inner confidence and beauty devoid of the urge to visually shrink oneself.

Rejecting the urge to shrink myself is where I want to land. And I think the best style is found here, too.

Seeing anything contoured felt visually jarring. Air brushed makeup, round and lifted bras, and seamless, shrunken tops just aren’t landing for me. I am feeling exaggerated proportion fatigue. Like big time fatigue. Like why is everything either really big or really little? I like oversized things and I like tiny things, but I’m so tired of them together ad nauseam. It’s just exhausting as our only option. I’m ready for clothes that simply fit. Close but not tight, loose but not oversized. I really didn’t come to Italy with a thought towards any of these, but I left with some deep impressions.

The skinny jean became so boring because what started out as a fresh shape I think became the unconscious default shape that made us feel not only effortlessly stylish, but also, effortlessly smaller. The Gen Z equivalent is the itty bitty tank top and the contoured makeup (what gen brought us this?) that gives you a jaw line etc. etc. Anything can do the trick, just so long as it sucks you in and goes with everything. Don’t get me wrong, a fitted tank top or jeans can be amazing wardrobe staples. Learning strategic placement of your makeup elements can also be really nice.

I am pro-ease, just not to the exaggerated extreme of taking something good and leaning in so hard that we forget what the point was.

And I guess I just want to see more of us questioning the flow of fashion and making decisions that actually support our goals and ideals. I want to see more variety for each of us. I want to see individual women in a crowd absolutely slaying their personal style.

Don’t lean so hard into your formulas that you lose the natural elements of you, and the unexpected beauty of a bad hair day or deepening wrinkles. It’s less about the individual choice and more about the context, the approach, and the ultimate aim.

What is your aim? What kind of woman do you want to be in the world? Don’t let formulas and trends steer you away from your good style.

XOXO, MDS